Real answers to the questions families ask at 2 AM: What happens to my kids? How do I afford this? Will I survive this? How do I heal?
These FAQs cover the emotional journey. For legal specifics about your situation, a consultation with a lawyer is the best next step. We're here to listen, answer candidly, and help you understand your options.
At the Beginning — When You're Facing a Big Decision
I think my marriage/relationship is ending but I'm terrified. Where do I even start?
Rarely. Canadian courts always start from the premise that both parents should have meaningful contact with their children, unless there's evidence of abuse, neglect, or a serious risk to the child's wellbeing. Even parents who've made mistakes — lost jobs, struggled with addiction, made bad relationship choices — typically retain custody or substantial parenting time. Courts want children to have both parents. What matters is showing up, being present, and putting your children's wellbeing first. If you have concerns about your ex's parenting, courts can modify arrangements, but taking children away is a last resort, not the default.
I'm worried I won't be able to afford a lawyer or to support myself after separation.
Should I tell my kids before or after I see a lawyer?
The 'when' depends on their age, your situation, and your emotional readiness. But the 'how' matters more: keep it simple, reassure them it's not their fault, and don't bad-mouth your ex (even if you're furious). Young kids need to know: 'Mum and Dad are not going to live together, but we both love you and will always be your parents.' Older kids often sense something is wrong before you say anything. A family counsellor or therapist can help you have this conversation in a way that minimises harm. And yes, see a lawyer beforehand — not to be sneaky, but so you understand custody options and can answer their questions confidently.
My ex is being hostile and won't communicate. Does that mean we can't resolve this without court?
Not necessarily. Hostility often softens once legal clarity arrives — sometimes people are defensive because they're scared. A lawyer's letter or a mediation offer can shift the tone. Some ex-partners won't talk to each other but *will* engage with a neutral third party. If your ex truly won't cooperate, court is the only option — but even then, most cases settle before trial. A lawyer who understands both litigation *and* negotiation can pressure a settlement without being unnecessarily combative. Hostility makes resolution harder, but not impossible.
During the Process — When You're in the Thick of It
How will I know what's 'fair' when it comes to property and money?
Fair is defined by law, not feelings. In BC, spouses typically split family property 50/50 regardless of who earned it. Spousal support is based on income, length of marriage, and ability to be self-supporting — not on blame or moral judgments. Child support is calculated by a federal formula based on income and custody time, not as punishment. These rules exist to take emotion out of decisions. A lawyer can show you exactly where you stand under BC law, what you're entitled to, and where negotiation room exists. Then you can decide: do I accept what the law gives me, or do I negotiate for something different? But at least you'll know the legal baseline.
My ex is lying about their income / hiding money / refusing to disclose assets. What can I do?
Document everything you know, ask your lawyer to formally request disclosure, and be prepared to go to court if they won't cooperate. Courts can order full financial disclosure, compel bank records, and impose penalties if someone is caught hiding assets. In practice, hiding money is hard and usually discovered. If it happens, it can damage their credibility with a judge — which costs them in custody, support, and property division. A lawyer who specializes in family law knows how to uncover hidden assets and will make the cost of concealment obvious to your ex. Transparency saves money in the long run.
I feel guilty about how my kids are reacting. Am I doing the right thing?
How do I keep my kids out of the middle of this conflict?
Never ask them to choose sides, carry messages, or report on what happens at the other parent's house. Don't bad-mouth their other parent to them or around them. Don't pump them for information. Don't burden them with adult financial or legal worries. If they volunteer information ('Dad said you owe him money'), listen but don't probe. If they're upset about something at the other house, address it with your ex privately — don't vent to the child. Courts take it seriously when a parent tries to alienate children from the other parent. But practically, kids are more resilient than we think if they see their parents treating each other with basic respect.
My ex is threatening to take the kids / not pay support / ruin me in court. Should I be terrified?
I'm exhausted and depressed. How do I get through this emotionally?
Find a therapist or counsellor — this is not weakness, it's self-care. Talk to friends, family, or a divorce support group. Move your body, eat reasonably, sleep as much as you can. Set boundaries: don't check your ex's social media, don't obsess over court documents 24/7, don't make big decisions when you're emotional. Take breaks. The legal process is marathon, not a sprint. If you're in crisis — suicidal, unable to function, substance misuse — reach out to a crisis line or doctor. Your wellbeing directly affects your kids, your finances, and your ability to advocate for yourself. Protecting your mental health is practical, not selfish.
We've agreed on the basics but there's one issue we can't agree on. Do I have to go to court?
What if we settle but I later find out my ex lied or hid things?
It depends on what they hid and whether you could have discovered it with reasonable diligence. If they actively concealed assets or misrepresented income, and you can prove it, you may be able to reopen the agreement. But the bar is high — you generally have a limited time to challenge a settlement. This is why full disclosure *before* you sign is critical. A good lawyer will ensure your ex's financial disclosure is complete and accurate before you settle. Don't rush to sign. Take time to review everything, ask questions, and verify major claims. An ounce of caution before signing is worth a pound of litigation after.
I'm about to sign the separation agreement. What should I be scared of?
Read it carefully (or have a lawyer do so). Understand what you're agreeing to — especially property division, support terms, custody arrangements, and future amendment rules. Ask your lawyer: 'Can I change this later? What if my circumstances change?' Some provisions are harder to modify than others. Don't sign because you're tired or pressured. Sleep on it. If something feels off, speak up — it's the last chance to change it. Once you sign, it's usually binding. Take a weekend if you need one. This is not the time to rush.
We've settled. How do I move forward and actually heal?
My ex broke our agreement / isn't following the court order. What do I do?
Document the breach clearly. Try to resolve it directly (sometimes it's a misunderstanding). If your ex won't cooperate, a lawyer can send a formal demand letter. If that fails, you can go back to court asking for enforcement and penalties. Courts take violated orders seriously — non-compliance can affect custody, support, and cost awards. But enforcement takes time and money, so it's a last resort. Many people find their ex complies once they know a lawyer is involved. The threat of enforcement is often enough.
Special Situations — When Your Story Is More Complex
My ex has abused me. How do I protect myself and my kids?
Reach out to a domestic violence service or women's shelter for safety planning and support. Legal tools exist: emergency protection orders, restraining orders, supervised access arrangements, and family law courts can order no-contact terms. Abuse history significantly affects custody — courts want children away from abusers, and they want to protect the victim-parent. Document abuse (photos, medical records, communications, therapist notes). If you're in immediate danger, call 911. Once you're safe, a lawyer can help you use the legal system to keep you and your kids protected. You're not alone in this.
My ex is using the kids as leverage or won't let me see them. What can I do?
This is parental alienation or interference with parenting time — courts take it seriously. If you have a custody order and your ex isn't following it, you can go back to court. If there's no order yet, get one. Document every missed visit, every message where they refuse access, every instance they bad-mouth you to the kids. Courts hear this and will enforce parenting time. Custody can also shift if one parent is deliberately blocking the child's relationship with the other. Don't retaliate by withholding support or access — keep the moral high ground and let the court see who's really putting the kids first.
I'm relocating / my ex wants to relocate with the kids. What happens?
Relocation is complex. If you have primary custody, you usually have more freedom to move (though you need court permission or your ex's consent). If it's shared custody, relocation is much harder — courts prioritise the child's relationship with both parents. Distance matters: moving 30 minutes away is different from moving to another province. Courts weigh whether relocation serves the child's best interests and whether you can maintain the other parent's relationship. Early legal advice is critical here — don't just announce you're leaving. Work with a lawyer to understand your options and your ex's rights.
My ex has a new partner / I'm dating someone new. Does that affect custody or support?
A new partner doesn't automatically change custody — what matters is whether the new relationship creates a risk to the child (e.g., the new partner has a history of abuse). For support, it can matter: if a higher-earning ex moves in with a wealthy partner, courts may consider that when calculating spousal support. But generally, your ex's romantic choices don't affect your rights unless they directly impact the children. That said, introducing a new partner too quickly, or making it obvious to the kids, can complicate co-parenting. Many family lawyers suggest waiting until everyone is emotionally stable before introducing new partners to children.
I'm LGBTQ+, Indigenous, or don't fit the 'typical' family profile. Will the court system be fair to me?
How do I find a lawyer I can actually trust and feel comfortable with?
Schedule consultations with a few lawyers. Notice: Do they listen or do they talk at you? Do they explain things in plain language? Do they ask about your kids, your wellbeing, not just the fight? Do they seem to respect your goals, or are they pushing you toward court? Trust your gut. You're hiring someone to guide you through one of the hardest times of your life — compatibility matters. You should feel heard, not judged. If the first lawyer doesn't feel right, try another. A good lawyer is part lawyer, part counsellor, part coach. They know when to be tough and when to be gentle.
My lawyer costs are going up. How do I control costs?
Be organised: give your lawyer clear summaries, not 50 emails with the same information. Ask up front what things cost extra (court appearances, mediation, expert reports). Respond promptly to requests so things don't drag on. Ask your lawyer to prioritise: what's essential vs. nice-to-have? Sometimes a letter from your lawyer costs less than a court appearance. Sometimes mediation saves money overall. The most expensive thing is uncertainty and fighting over every detail. A lawyer who helps you resolve things efficiently is worth their cost.
What should I tell my lawyer? Is anything off-limits?
Real answers to the questions families ask when facing separation: What happens to my kids? How do I afford this? How do I heal? BC family law guidance from the client's perspective.
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